After 9 years of marriage it has come to this... my "wonderful" and "caring" husband was sitting at the table behind me after our most recent argument, drinking a glass of rum and coke, bemoaning the sad twist of fate that had saddled him with a "stupid bitch" (yes, he's referring to me) to his mother, knowing that I could hear him and most of her replies (it's a loud phone) and not caring how the words and remarks might affect me. I could see the curly top of our little girl's head on the stairs, as she made her way up to brush her teeth, knowing that she could hear the vile things her father was saying about me as well... knowing that he knew as well and just didn't care. As I made my own way up the stairs, to join her and help her get ready for bed... I heard the clink of ice as he made himself another drink and heard him tell my mother in law, "It was a mistake when I signed that piece of paper and walked down that fucking aisle."

If a heart breaks and the one who breaks it isn't listening.. does it make a sound? Would it make a difference if it did? I felt as though something inside me shattered and hiding my tears, I joined our daughter in the bathroom, helped her brush her teeth and wash her face, then sent her to bed. I could hear the conversation below becoming more heated and opted to just stay upstairs.

I lay on our bed, stunned and hurt. I looked about the room at the trappings of a 9 year relationship and wondered where we had gone so wrong. I will accept my part in this because I know that I did make him angry... he had every right to be angry with me. I messed up some finances without realizing it (it was an account that we never use anymore) to the tune of $1500... and for that he is willing to rake me over the coals, and contact his parents to tell them what a shitty wife he has. I admit that I made a mistake, and I have been moving heaven and earth to try to fix it since, I've looked for odd jobs, advertised on the net for ANY work that will take me and pay quickly so that I can repair the damage... but apparently, that's not enough. He felt the need to call his parents, rake me over the coals, involve them in our personal affairs, and made me out to be a horrible, irresponsible, awful, person... a terrible mother, and the world's worst excuse for a wife. Never mind the fact that I put up with constant moving, upsetting our lives and relocating based on his career, left all of my family and friends behind and just as we would get settled in a new place, he would move us again. Never mind the fact that I worked hard and contributed to the family as well, never mind the fact that every time he made a mistake, I worked WITH him to try to fix what I considered OUR problem, regardless of who was to blame for it... and now, I make a mistake and he shouts at me, "YOU fucked it up! YOU fix it!"

I lay alone that night, in the living room on the couch, mulling over my life, hearing the sounds of his drunken snores from the bedroom. I realize that I'm not happy, that I've not been happy for a very long time and that from the moment we got married, he has been trying to squash my spirit, my effervescent personality, my love of people and social nature... all of the things that he had claimed to love about me as his girlfriend, were not suitable for his wife.

After tossing and turning for hours, I finally drifted off in the early morning hours and didn't wake until I heard the stomp of his workbooks in the entry way and the slam of the front door as he left for work. I got up, woke our daughter, made her breakfast and sat with her to have a heart to heart.

Mom: Do you like it here baby?

DD: Not really...

Mom: Would you like to move back to Washington?

DD: Yeah....

Mom: Why?

DD: Because I miss Gramma and Grammpa and Scooter (our cat, left behind in the last move)

Mom: If we move back to Washington, Daddy might not be able to come. Would that be ok?

DD: Yeah... that's ok.

Mom: Do you think Mommy and Daddy should live together or seperate.

DD: *without hesitation* seperate

Mom: Why?

DD: Because I don't like to hear you fighting... you fight a lot sometimes.

Mom: Yeah, we do sometimes and I'm sorry that you have to hear it. Well, if Mommy and Daddy live seperate, you'll have to live with one of us more than the other. Which one of us would you rather live with?

DD: You.

Mom: Why?

DD: Because you don't scare me when you talk to me. You don't scare me when you get mad... Daddy scares me sometimes.

So it begins... I love my daughter and I don't want her to think that it's ok for a man to yell at her, call her names, belittle and demean her, make fun of the things that she enjoys doing, and make snide comments about her family and friends because that is NOT ok.

I found out that he locked me out of our bank accounts today... if I need money for anything now I am going to have to ask... and it will be a cold day in hell before I ask. So now, I am going to do whatever I can to fund our way out of here... as well as pay the money for the mess that I made.

Hard to believe that he's willing to throw away 9 years of love, devotion, and affection for $1500...

I've got a lot of work to do....